cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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