My sheets look like a crime scene.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
This is my gift to your gina
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
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