thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
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