I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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