Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
