she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
