Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
