We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Randomize
