I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Randomize
