I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Randomize
