I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Randomize
