hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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