so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
