i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
