ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
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