I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
