If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
