I like my sex mixed with concussions.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
