well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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