Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
