Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
