trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
