It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
