I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Couch. On fire.
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