Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
