if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Randomize
