Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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