Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
He shit in the fireplace
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
