i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
The Olympian is in my bed
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
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