you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
