he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
