There is no way he is gay with that hair.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
