Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Randomize
