My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
