If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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