I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
