her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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