I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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