If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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