That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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