my phone needs a breathalizer
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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