I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
