Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
