In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
