New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
