i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
