and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Randomize
