community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
