i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
