i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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