Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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