I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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