highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
