Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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