So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
